hope is lost...i am lost

1. i can repair a broken quilt---loved till it was full of holes, but i can not repair my broken life.
2. pretty fabric is only a momentary distraction---sewing allows for lots of chatter, my mind is not quiet.
3. surrender is what i must do, but i can not.
4. i resist.
5. the truth of this, makes a lie of all that came before.
6. i am an empty shell, lost and tumbled in the tide....no home to be secure.
7. there is no path--where i am going, there are tangled vines and weeds, toxic things that make me raw.
8. the story fell away, unraveled, leaving bits of fuzz that you find insignificant and brush away.
9. useless, but talented
10. it is necessary to pretend to be strong and not say it would be best to lay down and die...because existing is not enough and i no longer "believe" i can survive.

Because you are my son....

18 years ago today we were blessed with you, Tyler. What a joy.


I am so proud of you. You showed just what strength of character you possess. A few weeks ago you followed what you thought was "right" and took the more difficult road to see your Uncle who has been estranged from me and your Aunts over your grandmother's estate---you went to him saying that you wanted to keep a relationship with him because he is your Uncle. You put aside other people's experiences and basing your connection on your own interactions. Sadly you were told that your Uncle can not have a relationship with you because you are my son. And it is just that reason, because you are my son, that made you the bigger man to be open, to follow your heart, to live with integrity.... I am so proud of the man that you are.


Happy 18th Birthday, Ty.




The word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete).In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.

In the Storm...

I have weathered many storms....
things they say, serve to make me "stronger".

I say I am strong enough.

I have seen my babies have their faces stitched up,

held them face to face while they faced the scary things in the hospital.

I have watched people who loved me slip away, watched them fade, loved them along their path, kissed their cheeks, tried to wrap them in love, tried not to be scared, tried to be sure they knew how they touched my life, tried to help those that loved them know they were not alone....

I have learned to let go--let go of my children---I have not grown as fast as they would like. I am still scared for them. I have mothered them the best that I could. Maybe cookies can't make up for sleepovers, or costumes can't make up for parties, maybe my being home deprived them of things that money could buy, maybe other people do it differently---but I am not other people. I am solid, consistent in my flaws. 

I learned that losing old friends, my mother, my husband and my oldest son has just about crushed my soul and that the pain in it is deeper than I could have imagined.

I learned that people aren't honest enough...not with themselves or other people. They think that what is left unsaid saves heartache, but it doesn't. If I hadn't been honest about how it was hard to have a fourth child, I may not have found my dearest friend. 

I have learned that things are not as they appear---the people you think have the happiest lives, are not always happier. They play the game, they put on the show, they make it look good---but on the inside it is no less messy than our life. I held on to hope---held on to the love, even when it hurt. I believed that the core of who I was with you, was someone you really loved....but I was wrong.

I learned that omission is just as hurtful as blatant lies.

I have seen my entire vision of the life I had and would have, be erased, vanish--leaving me staring into the black abyss, wondering how to step forward into the darkness. I hate the dark.

Now I am stuck in the eye of the storm and I do not have a compass, no north star, no solid base to leap off....

I do not want to be "stronger"....

I want a soft place to land---light for the darkness---a hand to hold.

I have enough scars. I am strong enough.

You are tired, (I think) by e.e. cummings

I saw this link to another e.e. cummings poem---he has to be one of my favorites poets.

You are tired, (I think) by e.e. cummings

Miranda by John William Waterhouse

You are tired,

(I think)

Of the always puzzle of living and doing;

And so am I.

Come with me, then,

And we’ll leave it far and far away—

(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,

(I think)

And broke the toys you were fondest of,

And are a little tired now;

Tired of things that break, and—

Just tired.

So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,

And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—

Open to me!

For I will show you places Nobody knows,

And, if you like,

The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!

I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,

That floats forever and a day;

I’ll sing you the jacinth song

Of the probable stars;

I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,

Until I find the Only Flower,

Which shall keep (I think) your little heart

While the moon comes out of the sea.

- e.e. cummings

yes--i am tired..."Of the always puzzle of living and doing"...

New books....Beach and birthday and laughter

Time to Party!

 Summer is the birthday season at my                      

house....I have 3 boys with birthdays all 

within a 2 week span--July 25, July 28 and 

August 8 plus their father's birthday on July 15

and I used to squeeze in my mother's birthday 

week later,July 22 with trip to Maine. 

Not mention the numerous extended family 

with July birthdays-my Aunt, nephew, 

neighbors, old friend and a nearly niece that fall 

before and among those.

I have often been heard to say it was easier to give birth 

than have all these birthdays....hmmm.

What makes you laugh? Make a list, squeeze in a story...
remember what makes you giggle...

For me---

summer or any possible moment brings thoughts of ocean, of picnics on a secluded spot in Spruce Head, walking the 

Breakwater in Rockland, searching for 

sand dollars in Owl's Head, watching painters 

on Isleboro, taking photos at Marshall Point, searching for sea glass, round rocks and pieces of myself that were lost along the way 

to here....

This is how the little book By The Shore and  The Ocean Soothes My Ragged Soul came to be.

                    

                     

We all need some direction-

A map to find your way,  or record your journey...

        

Something to "fix" us when we are broken....

Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,

Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, Pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it

Technologic Lyrics
Artist(Band):Daft Punk