Monday, August 15, 2011

hope is lost...i am lost

  1. i can repair a broken quilt---loved till it was full of holes, but i can not repair my broken life.
  2. pretty fabric is only a momentary distraction---sewing allows for lots of chatter, my mind is not quiet.
  3. surrender is what i must do, but i can not.
  4. i resist.
  5. the truth of this, makes a lie of all that came before.
  6. i am an empty shell, lost and tumbled in the home to be secure.
  7. there is no path--where i am going, there are tangled vines and weeds, toxic things that make me raw.
  8. the story fell away, unraveled, leaving bits of fuzz that you find insignificant and brush away.
  9. useless, but talented
  10. it is necessary to pretend to be strong and not say it would be best to lay down and die...because existing is not enough and i no longer "believe" i can survive.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Because you are my son....

18 years ago today we were blessed with you, Tyler. What a joy.

I am so proud of you. You showed just what strength of character you possess. A few weeks ago you followed what you thought was "right" and took the more difficult road to see your Uncle who has been estranged from me and your Aunts over your grandmother's estate---you went to him saying that you wanted to keep a relationship with him because he is your Uncle. You put aside other people's experiences and basing your connection on your own interactions. Sadly you were told that your Uncle can not have a relationship with you because you are my son. And it is just that reason, because you are my son, that made you the bigger man to be open, to follow your heart, to live with integrity.... I am so proud of the man that you are.

Happy 18th Birthday, Ty.

The word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete).In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

In the Storm...

I have weathered many storms....
things they say, serve to make me "stronger".

I say I am strong enough.

I have seen my babies have their faces stitched up,

held them face to face while they faced the scary things in the hospital.

I have watched people who loved me slip away, watched them fade, loved them along their path, kissed their cheeks, tried to wrap them in love, tried not to be scared, tried to be sure they knew how they touched my life, tried to help those that loved them know they were not alone....

I have learned to let go--let go of my children---I have not grown as fast as they would like. I am still scared for them. I have mothered them the best that I could. Maybe cookies can't make up for sleepovers, or costumes can't make up for parties, maybe my being home deprived them of things that money could buy, maybe other people do it differently---but I am not other people. I am solid, consistent in my flaws. 

I learned that losing old friends, my mother, my husband and my oldest son has just about crushed my soul and that the pain in it is deeper than I could have imagined.

I learned that people aren't honest enough...not with themselves or other people. They think that what is left unsaid saves heartache, but it doesn't. If I hadn't been honest about how it was hard to have a fourth child, I may not have found my dearest friend. 

I have learned that things are not as they appear---the people you think have the happiest lives, are not always happier. They play the game, they put on the show, they make it look good---but on the inside it is no less messy than our life. I held on to hope---held on to the love, even when it hurt. I believed that the core of who I was with you, was someone you really loved....but I was wrong.

I learned that omission is just as hurtful as blatant lies.

I have seen my entire vision of the life I had and would have, be erased, vanish--leaving me staring into the black abyss, wondering how to step forward into the darkness. I hate the dark.

Now I am stuck in the eye of the storm and I do not have a compass, no north star, no solid base to leap off....

I do not want to be "stronger"....
I want a soft place to land---light for the darkness---a hand to hold.

I have enough scars. I am strong enough.