In the Storm...

I have weathered many storms....
things they say, serve to make me "stronger".

I say I am strong enough.

I have seen my babies have their faces stitched up,

held them face to face while they faced the scary things in the hospital.

I have watched people who loved me slip away, watched them fade, loved them along their path, kissed their cheeks, tried to wrap them in love, tried not to be scared, tried to be sure they knew how they touched my life, tried to help those that loved them know they were not alone....

I have learned to let go--let go of my children---I have not grown as fast as they would like. I am still scared for them. I have mothered them the best that I could. Maybe cookies can't make up for sleepovers, or costumes can't make up for parties, maybe my being home deprived them of things that money could buy, maybe other people do it differently---but I am not other people. I am solid, consistent in my flaws. 

I learned that losing old friends, my mother, my husband and my oldest son has just about crushed my soul and that the pain in it is deeper than I could have imagined.

I learned that people aren't honest enough...not with themselves or other people. They think that what is left unsaid saves heartache, but it doesn't. If I hadn't been honest about how it was hard to have a fourth child, I may not have found my dearest friend. 

I have learned that things are not as they appear---the people you think have the happiest lives, are not always happier. They play the game, they put on the show, they make it look good---but on the inside it is no less messy than our life. I held on to hope---held on to the love, even when it hurt. I believed that the core of who I was with you, was someone you really loved....but I was wrong.

I learned that omission is just as hurtful as blatant lies.

I have seen my entire vision of the life I had and would have, be erased, vanish--leaving me staring into the black abyss, wondering how to step forward into the darkness. I hate the dark.

Now I am stuck in the eye of the storm and I do not have a compass, no north star, no solid base to leap off....

I do not want to be "stronger"....

I want a soft place to land---light for the darkness---a hand to hold.

I have enough scars. I am strong enough.